Archive for June, 2007
I felt like crawling to a hole in the ground, discouraged, unappreciated, a total failure!!! Major attacks with no relief in sight. Oh well, I guess it’s each individual’s choice whether or not to listen to and believe the enemy’s accusing and lies. Sometimes it’s just too easy to get trapped in a negative mindset. Lately, I’ve been experiencing an undercurrent of spiritual distress that people don’t know about or notice except when it surfaces during times of worship or prayer. My guard holds pretty well most of the time…
Wednesday, a small glimmer of hope surfaced. Unfortunately it was brought on by somebody else’s misfortune (being fired from a position I’ve been considering for awhile now), anyhow, I picked up a job application and that’s when the enemy really started harassing me! Couldn’t get anything right! Everything negative from my past surfaced immediately and continually! Man, that guy’s something, -almost got me to the point where I was willing to cut all ties, curse my very existence, shout angrily at God!!!
Bless Him for the mercy that endures.
The battle was fought inside the mind, for the most part. Being a mom with a houseful of kids on summer break and extra ones coming and going, all I could manage was to simply shut myself in the bedroom and cry my eyes out. No harm done, except for my frail ego… Daddy! Why do you allow such a mean thing to go on for what seems like forever? It don’t feel nice, no no no!!!
I had a unique dream last night that just about summed it all up.
In my dream, I was walking toward the ocean shore. The water levels had receded considerably, exposing a huge sunken tanker ship. It had been there for a long time, partly covered by sand and various forms of sea life. Some passers-by were observing the wreckage. They peeked inside, then continued on their merry way. I climbed up onto the deck and the proceeded to squeeze my way inside the vessel. There were compartments with stuff still left inside, although hardly recognizable. But there were perfectly preserved crabs and some scorpion-type creatures (only much bigger, they had linked tails) I had to take a closer look to make sure they weren’t alive. I then considered taking them home for further study. Suddenly, something touched my shoulder! It was just a small bug and I "blew" it off. Then I got worried, thinking of what else might lurk in the shadows… Looking at the preserved creatures once more, I decided that it was not a good idea to bring them along, it was time for me to leave the vessel. I surfaced back to the sunny beach and left the tanker behind, not looking back!
Doesn’t require much interpreting, now does it? From time to time, old stuff may surface, even though it’s been buried in the sea of mercy and grace for a long time and is not remembered any longer. People may glance at it but it’s no big deal to them. "Self" might have preserved some "weird specimen" in the memory, life-like and fresh, and even consider studying it some more. NOT A GOOD IDEA!
So, I dropped off the job application this morning.
Psalm 139: 1-18, 23-24
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say,
"Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You,
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought
In the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they
all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were
none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them,
they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Give ear to my voice when I cry out to You.
Let my prayer be set before You as incense,
The lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.
Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth;
Keep watch over the door of my lips.
Do not incline my heart to any evil thing,
To practice wicked works
With men who work iniquity;
And do not let me eat of their delicacies.
Let the righteous strike me; It shall be a kindness.
And let him rebuke me; It shall be as excellent oil;
Let my head not
the LORD with my voice;
With my voice to the LORD
I make my
I pour out my complaint before Him;
I declare before Him my trouble.
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,
Then You knew my path.
I cried out to You, O LORD: I said,
"You are my refuge,
My portion in the land of the living.
Attend to my cry, For I am brought very low;
Deliver me from my persecutors,
For they are stronger than I.
Bring my soul out of prison,
That I may praise Your name;
shall surround me,
For You shall deal bountifully with me."
Give ear to my supplications!
faithfulness answer me,
And in Your righteousness.
Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no one living is righteous.
For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the
He has made me dwell in darkness,
Like those who have long been
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land.Selah
Answer me speedily, O LORD; My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear
Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I
Cause me to know the way
In which I should walk,
For I lift up
my soul to You.
Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
In You I take shelter.
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God; Your Spirit is good.
Lead me in the land of uprightness.
Revive me, O LORD, for Your name’s sake!
For Your righteousness’ sake
Bring my soul out of trouble.
For I am Your servant.