I decided not to wait until the end of this week before updating my journal. It has been an interesting week, to say the least. After Friday’s worship service, I went straight to the shelter to do an extra shift. We lost two employees within one month so everyone is expected to work overtime. I had only three hours of sleep that day and was also training a new employee that night.
My kids have been sick off and on for weeks (always happens during the first nine weeks of school), and I had been fighting the flu bug several days. It finally caught up with me, probably due to insufficient sleep. I got fever and chills that night and ended up staying in bed the whole weekend. In a way it was a good thing because I got a chance to study the Word and seek God after such tumultuous week, spiritually speaking. I wouldn’t have been able to find all those passages that convicted me and described God’s views on the issues I’ve been dealing with.
I expected to undergo a psychic attack after posting those condemning bible passages on the website that draws so many practicioners of occult. It’s basically a smorgasboard of what ever supernatural interests one may have, a "shining" example of how the devil masquerades as an angel of light! It might seem like asking for more trouble, going back and telling about my conviction, but I had to do it! Maybe God will convict someone who’s about to enter into such deception, to turn around and come back to Him.
Physically, I was quite weak so all I could do was pray to God for His strength and protection. I was reassured that despite all my weakness He is still strong and His mercy endures! Praise the Lord, all my burdens were lifted off and I received forgiveness and rest in Him.
Put on the whole armor of God, that’s our best defense! Today is halloween. Thank You Jesus, we did not celebrate it this year. The way it usually goes, first we discuss what it’s all about, how we as christians should have no part in such etc. etc., (look who’s talking, I know Lord, I know, thank goodness my kids don’t!!!) but end up giving in and letting them go trick-or treat with neighbors and friends. I stood firm this time and though they were invited to go along, I said no. and no. and once again no. They were upset, watching so-and-so leave, until just they were left at home. Presently, it started to rain and has been absolutely miserable weather all evening long.
Hope it’ll be a peaceful night at the shelter.
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My work week is done and over with… I have a need. A strong and urgent need for Lord’s healing in our family’s life, for all of us to be restored in the spirit, because we have been going through trials and there seems to be no end in sight.
My 16-year old son caught the flu bug about three weeks ago, and since that day he has attended school only twice… He was genuinely ill, throwing up a lot and losing weight due to a severe intestinal flu. He then caught a different bug, and was too weak to attend school. Now he has a ton of make-up work and not enough motivation to do it all. He’s in the IB program which is the most demanding academic program in high school.
There are many factors at play. I work nights (Sun-Thu) when he’s supposed to be sleeping. His father sleeps soundly and goes to bed early in order to wake up at 6am to take our son to school, then drive to his own work. Partly due to his sickness, our son has spent his days in bed and then stayed up every night until morning. Then when it’s time to get up, his dad ends up leaving for work without taking him to school. I’ve had numerous struggles trying to force our son to go to school after coming home from my shift (and getting the other three to school) but without success. At times, it turns into a physical struggle, as I try forcing him to go. Just the other day I kicked in the bathroom door and the heel of my shoe went right through it… We were engaged in "trying to push the door in/keeping it closed" battle. I pointed out to B. that if he has enough physical strength to fight me, he must be strong enough to attend school. He broke down crying. I had to give up.
Our son has become somewhat antisocial, locking himself in his room for hours on end, coming out only to take care of his physical needs. I’ve even started to carry food up to him to make him eat, he won’t even come downstairs to the kitchen, except at night. It worries me greatly to observe his increasingly passive, intraverted behavior. I recently read (from one of his school papers) how he feels that his faith is "waning" and he no longer believes that God even exists. He has not attended our church for weeks, even though he’s in charge of working the videoscreens during service. Needless to say, many urgent prayers have been sent to Lord God Almighty, to reach the heart of this child and fix things up.
Yesterday, after yet another struggle we finally talked. I had exhausted every method I could think of. He was vomiting, I had decided to take him to E.R., thinking maybe hospitalizing him over the weekend might help (they’d put him on IV and he’d gain some strength). He talked me out of it (ate a bowl of cereal to prove that he could keep it in) then promised to attend a meeting at Upper Room, saying, maybe that’s what he needs. I felt hope. Momentary hope. The next idea was, maybe I’m suffering from the same condition as dad. No, son, dad’s condition (chronic gastritis) is not what you have. Maybe this house is making me ill. Yeah, right…
We bounced around "in circles" and I tried talking sense to him (you know what happens to truants, they’re court ordered 30-90 days to programs such as the one I work at etc.). He checked it out on the internet and informed me: that’s only for such cases that have no valid excuses. He had seen a doctor and was on 3 different medications, including antibiotics and nebulizer, his school had all the documents. I tried pleading, they will send a CPI (child protective investigator) to come and take you away- same results. We discussed his mental state. Mom, it’s mental… I’m depressed (we discussed depression, apathy, which he indeed seems prone to). This is possible, he may be paralyzed by fear. Afraid to go back to face the music, he moves it further (I’ll go tomorrow-I’ll attend last three periods and so on). What else can I tink of… Hmmm, perhaps I should have him Baker-acted… But he has not exhibited self-destructive or aggressive tendencies, aside from normal sibling rivalry.
We’ve been too busy as parents. We don’t have time for him. He’s lost all his friends. He has nothing to look forward to. All hope is lost. He might as well just quit.
And then, on the contrary; I want to do something special, I’ll get into biochemistry, genetic research etc. I want to discover new things that no-one yet knows about!
My brilliant, intelligent son. How on earth can even normal families make it through the teen years- much less the dysfunctional ones (and I’ll be going through it x4, yikes!)…
I’ve been working all week. Today I’m trying to get our 5br home cleaned and disinfected, laundry caught up, bills paid, all without sleeping after a long night. How could I possibly have any time for resting! I’m cleaning, ignoring the "situations" we’re going through. When the house is in order, it’s easier to deal with other issues, that’s how I see it. I listen to soothing gospel music, pray my daddy to lift up the burdens, make my mouth form words of praise when I feel like cursing… As I work nonstop all day long, anger and hatred starts to grow inside of me, self-pity and resentment towards the family, my loved ones. They’re weak, they’re lazy, they’re this and that. Just look at this pig-sty! Bunch of pigs, I say!!! Accompanied by words that I dare not write down nor say aloud! Mercy!!!
2 Cor: 3-6 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.
Yup. That’s the hardest one Lord. My thoughts are far from being captive into obedience of Christ. Lord, I’m a murderer in my mind. My thoughts instead, at times, are in captivity to the evil one, full of hate and vengeance! Take this hate and replace it with love Lord! My loved ones are suffering, help me fulfill your commandment Lord. You said; Carry each other’s burdens. Give me strength to do just that Daddy!!! I’m empty of compassion, I myself have no more love to give… I hold You to your word Lord, I hold onto it for dear life; that in my weakness, You are STRONG! Make it that way Lord, for I have nothing left.
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A new day and renewed strength, Bless you Lord for lifting off our burdens!
We made a concentrated effort to straighten up the house, the children all
pitched in doing their chores and helping mom. They’re our blessings, together
we are strong! Lord keep us united in love. We’re facing some troubles ahead, as
our teens have made mistakes along the way and need some correcting. But most of
all, they need to establish their own personal relationship with You Lord, to
see them through those troubled times.
We’re human and oftentimes speak the things of flesh, not of the spirit. It
became so very clear once again, after our Saturday worship service. We started
in the spirit but finished in the flesh, discussing the various problems we
encounter, making observations, even critizicing the people and groups we’ve
associated with in the past. It’s good to be able to talk with dear brothers and
sisters, but when the "thought" train takes off on the wrong tracks, watch out!
We end up sinning against our own family members. Of such transgression, I was
convicted by the Holy Spirit upon returning home.
Also, a thought of caution entered my mind, are we slowly becoming an island
unto ourselves? We need to hear from God before we go too far in certain
erroneous ways, such as excluding or critizicing others, false pride and
haughtiness. Lord -search our hearts, teach us humility and mold our minds
to express that which is acceptable in your sight. To build up the body of