Sometimes it seems that there are recurring cycles in our spiritual life- from active phases to periods of reflecting and being still. Sometimes you’re kept waiting and anticipating to hear from the Lord (and that may seem to last forever!). During such times you’re often tested and reminded of your specific vulnerabilities. God probably uses them to teach our spirit perseverance.
I’m going through a time of testing right now. Disappointed and frustrated by the lack of closeness to the Lord! Tempted to try some of those old fleshly pleasures I thought I had gotten rid of, for good! Daddy, where are you?!!!! I don’t mean to be too busy to be in your presence, for You know I’d like to stay in it 24/7… It’s just that this dumb world, with it’s complications, gets in the way.
I’m worried about expecting too much and then having those expectations crushed. Wondering whether I rely on "the experience" and the "thrill of feeling the spirit" too much, instead of the solid rock of faith (believing in things not seen nor proven by the methods of men).
Perhaps it’s time for me to go back to picking up the crumbs that fall from the Master’s table…
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The week is almost over, what a rough week it has been indeed, especially at work. Shelter filled to capacity with troublemakers. Though some of them are pretty amusing. I haven’t slept enough. Tired. Back with my face against the floor, repenting. Why do I always feel like I’ve betrayed my Lord? Maybe it’s because I’ve been secretly desiring to re-live some past experiences that are probably wrong, such as leaving one’s physical body. I used to be pretty good at it. Frequent flyer. I even kept a journal. To what extent it was real (aside from those experiences that may have arised out of the imagery of one’s soul), I cannot say for sure. I had only one out-of-body experience since being baptized in Jesus’ name. During it I met a man (whatever spirit/entity it was) in a rather ticked-off mode. I asked what his problem was and he answered me with one simple word:"Immersion."
I’m pretty sure God will prevent such activities from taking place in the future. Yet I worry… I don’t trust myself. What if one day Holy Spirit won’t be enough for me and I fall into spiritual adultery. What an ugly, ugly word… I’d just like to know WHY do I have to deal with this stuff? Why Daddy why? I know, (my own fault). But the Blood covered that too, thank you Jesus! I have a hard time letting go of it though. Lord help me. Pleeeeease. I’m grateful that (at least) the temptation to drink alcohol has left me. I hope, completely. No more witnessing to drunks at the bars?
(I considered deleting the above text, but decided to leave it in the journal).
Mark 4:22 "For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light.
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Last night, J. came back to the shelter. B. and I put our job positions in jeopardy, took him in, allowed him to shower, gave him clean clothes and some food. Fixed a temporary bed in the back office (he hadn’t slept much lately) and he slept there for 5 hours, then took off again.
I remember how urgently I prayed for him during the spring of 2004, after he was Baker Acted. I had been working at the shelter for less than two weeks when he was brought in that day. He did not want to stay at the shelter, and I had followed him outside, trying to talk him out of running away. He was 15, a habitual runner, depressed and disappointed with life. We talked about God, circumstances, relationships. And suicide. He wanted to kill himself. Threatened to run in front of the traffic, made a few attempts in front of me. Probably just for a show. Playing a pretty dangerous game. Anyway, we finally made it back indoors, then the cops came and the rest is history.
Curiously, more than two years later J. came back and recognized me right away. "You freaked me out, man!" I told him as we reflected on that day long ago. He said things had actually worked out well, the stay at S.P. had turned out to be a good thing. He had even found a temporary job. He almost cried as he said how hard he had tried to do good. But things just didn’t work out… Gotta pray for him some more I guess.
Tonight we have a gathering at Upper Room. Too bad B. can’t make it, due to being out of town this weekend… She’s such a blessing, and so is M, who always has her arms open for our children, for times of fun and play!!! I hope they will be blessed as well, as we are working and living so close together. Naturally, I trust that Daddy will make everything work out just fine, for sure!!!
I’m gonna go ahead and give this "updated and corrected edition" to both J & S, if they’re interested in reading it. At least it’s in a better form now and I feel more comfortable letting other people read it, too. (You’ve got to bounce things back-and-forth a couple of times before they develop into their final form). Yet -I’m forever frustrated (in fact, I feel it’s a handicap) having to express my thoughts and ideas in English, my second language. grrr.
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A few final thoughts before I finish off this week’s portion. I made a few changes to the journal, took out a thought or two that did not seem right or fair -I bless you Father for Your correcting!!!
Last night at The Upper Room was a blessing, as always. After such difficult and trying week in both spiritual and carnal sense, I entered with an expectation to be refreshed in the spirit. God heard the prayers and comforted his child once again, through His anointed servants. The same way precious baby E. lifts up his little arms, reaching out for his parents to be picked up -I lift up my hands toward Daddy, to be picked up, nurtured and comforted in His lap.
I went to sleep without taking sleeping pills (can’t remember the last time I had a night’s sleep without one). Woke up to pray around 3:30 and then again at 5am with a song of praise playing in my head. Lord put quite a few strong prayers in my heart for people both near and far away from me. I was blessed, and once again convicted about the need of trusting both my waking and resting hours to His care only.